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Illusion Conclusion
Jerry Stocking
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Illusion Conclusion — Core (16 Tapes)
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Tape 15 – Side A
Tape 15 – Side A
IC_T15A
41:37
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Transcript
185 utterances · click to jump
00:00
S0
But what happens in relationship is you say, I love you. You're the one for me, so I must avoid any possible evidence that you're not.
00:12
S0
No. I don't wanna hear that.
00:16
S0
Because in fact, you're totally head over heels in love with the person and can't stand them.
00:26
S0
So what happens here, since that's not allowed, is the two of you, not having taken care of anything that's going on between the two of you, since it's all patterns beneath the level of what you can become conscious of, you start to build an illusion on top of this.
00:45
S0
Big illusion on top of that. And you say, this is our shared area. Oh, yay.
00:54
S0
You've got a shared area. Now you do kinda disagree about this, and you don't really get along about that. And you don't I've heard it an ad on the radio the other day. It was for I think it was for Fujifilm.
01:10
S0
The guy says, remember the time that that your uncle Harry came over and he got so smashed that he that he did this, that, and the other thing? No.
01:23
S0
It's an advertisement for film. So the guy could have taken pictures, so that he could have showed them to his wife to indicate that that time had really happened. And the whole ad is him saying, remember the time that this happened? She says, no. Remember the time that this happened? No. And there are funny instances that he's setting up. Standard operating procedure in a relationship. Now, is a very complicated system, Michael. This is an incredibly complicated system going on, but you don't deal with its complication.
02:01
S0
And I don't want you to. I want you to deal with it moment by moment. I go over to somebody's house for dinner, back in the days when I would have done such a thing, and here's the man, and he is being let go by this theater department. He worked in the theater department and he's going, I I can't believe that I I just don't know what I'm gonna do next. And across the table is his wife and she's saying,
02:34
S0
we can do whatever we want. We can go anywhere. We can do anything. There's not a problem with any of this.
02:42
S0
They've been married like twenty five years,
02:45
S0
but it doesn't make any sense to me because I don't know. You understand what's going on? So she's filling her consciousness with visual, he's filling his with kinesthetic. Where are they gonna meet?
03:02
S0
I mean, who's where what goes on here that you could even call relationship? I'm giving you this an example of one parameter when, in fact, with these two, there are so many.
03:15
S0
Here, these two go out for dinner.
03:19
S0
This one orders a Coke with three straws. The only time that this one's ever seen a Coke with three straws was at the evening when his mother announced that she was breaking up with her husband.
03:37
S0
And when he started to cry, she smacked him one.
03:42
S0
So he sees three straws and starts to really get upset. Right through the right through here. Now he can't say I'm upset because there are three straws there because he doesn't know. He has no idea. He just starts to get upset. Guess who he's with? He's with this one. So whose fault is the upset? It's this one.
04:09
S0
So he makes up a story to justify. And this making up a story pushes their relationship out further and further and further into more superficial rings, further away from the place at which they are genuinely related.
04:26
S0
And pretty soon, the only way they're related is that occasionally they ride in the same vehicle, and they don't meet on any parameters that are of interest to either of them.
04:40
S0
And they're more closely related with somebody at work because at least somebody at work, they've got a shared purpose that they're playing at.
04:50
S0
And if that weren't enough, generally, the model of relationship and I'd like to know how many of you this is true for. How many of you were your parents in competition with each other?
05:06
S0
In in a relationship? Yeah. In the your parents competed with each other. Okay. So if they're in competition, they really got a problem because out comes three straws, and this one starts to get really upset and this one says,
05:27
S0
if he's gonna get upset,
05:31
S0
I can get more upset than he can. Because I'll tell you, I've been around people who were upset before and I've been used and it didn't you know, they go through sort of their files and they up it. And then they up it and they up it and pretty soon they're playing for stakes that neither one of them can afford.
05:54
S0
Ugly.
05:57
S0
You need to handle your relationship with everybody, and how you do that is by altering your patterns.
06:04
S0
You need to find people who you aren't comfortable around and learn to run their patterns. You need to find people who you can't stand and learn to run their patterns. You need to find people who you can't sell. You need to sell everywhere, all the time to everybody. You need to find people who you can't sell and learn to alter your patterns.
06:30
S0
And then when you find someone in particular that you're gonna do this with, you've got enough patterns to haul out that you aren't backed into a corner constantly in relationship. It's all about flexibility. It's not you have to do one of two things. You either have to find the right one
06:55
S0
or you have to make the right one.
07:00
S0
You can't probably find the right one primarily because you keep altering stuff anyway. So the right one won't end up being the right one. So the real solution to all of that is you have to be the right one.
07:18
S0
Because they aren't gonna be the right one because when this hits the fan, they aren't gonna be the right one. She's gonna turn tail and start to run away when I need her the most. She has to. She has to. And away she goes.
07:38
S0
At that moment, and this is why we're playing with all the different things here, at that moment, I have to have a reciprocity ratio that lets me say, hey, Carol, come back. Come back. And Carol starts to go in. I say, Carol, come back. I have to have a 100 different ways to keep her there so that we can let the proximity happen. I have to have a thousand different ways to keep her there, which means that I have to have gotten rid of enough of my insecurities that I can reach out when I least want to reach out.
08:18
S0
And it can't be just like this because at a certain point that becomes abuse. Don't I grab just a little harder and then we got a problem?
08:27
S0
I got to be able to sneak around and get in front of her and say, hey, let's do whatever. I have to make the sale at that point. I have to get out of the way and be able to move freely between you and me. If at that point I can't do that, and patterns will never let you do that,
08:49
S0
Move freely back and forth. They all block it. I have to be able to move freely when it's the worst it's ever gonna be, when I think I'm gonna die, when I can't reach out once more, and you guys have had this, those of you who have been deeply in love and been crushed, it shows up in your body. Your your body is just like you can't stand it anymore. At that point, you need to reach out. Any of you ever run a marathon?
09:19
S0
Okay. Thanks. Somewhere around 21 miles, you run out of juice. You've got no more. You can't do it. Between twenty one and twenty six, you've got to do it yourself from here, not from here. Your body's got nothing left. You have to take each step
09:42
S0
the rest of the way, the last five miles or so. Sometimes it happens around 18, sometimes 21, sometimes 22, usually not as far out as 23. They scheduled it at 26 on purpose. This has you have to drive it. And that's when we pass people in a marathon, those last few miles. That's when the guy I used to run with and I would just start passing them like lightning. These are people who passed us early on, when they were reaching down in the reserves that they did have, and then they ran out. You're going to reach that point in relationship, if it's a real relationship. If it's not, forget about it. What I need you to do is I need you to reach that point so fast with the person checking you out in the grocery store. I need you to reach that point with everybody you know. I need you to reach that point with the doctor if you've never seen him before and you walk into her office. I need you to be at that point because that's when you find out about what kind of connection you can have between two people independent of the patterns.
10:57
S0
By being here, if you never practice anything else again, your patterns are going to have been broken apart all over the place. They can't it can't be otherwise. We've been doing this for enough years. That will happen. Now if you add into that some practice, all sorts of stuff will shift.
11:19
S0
So the pattern of picking somebody who's terrible for you could be an education if your attention span is long enough to say, wait a minute, this one's just like this one. I just picked two the same in a row, and they both went down the tubes. What's the common denominator? It's me. This is what I'm picking.
11:48
S0
It's gotta be about you.
11:52
S0
Do you pick somebody with whom it works or someone with whom it doesn't? And what does works mean?
11:59
S0
Why does she stay with him?
12:04
S0
And what would have her leave? And if she ever leaves the point, if she ever gets very far from the point remember when you were a little kid playing tag and there was some place that you were safe? Mhmm. What'd you call it? Goal. Goal? Did you really?
12:27
S0
Okay. You're from Wisconsin? Yeah. Yeah. I've said that to people in courses and they all go, what do you mean? But we call it ghoul, I think is what we call it. Wisconsin.
12:40
S0
Yeah. I grew up there, more or less, right next door. So you got this place that's safe. Pretend right now you've got this place that's safe. How long are you gonna be in contact with it? Because you're safe there. Not
12:59
S0
that long. So you go like this and you go, okay. Now I'm safe. This isn't much fun, is it?
13:06
S0
It really isn't that much fun.
13:08
S1
So you go Jerry is flirting and pretending to put his hand in more romantic places on her body.
13:17
S0
And you get just a little zest for a moment or two.
13:24
S0
Pretty soon you're a drummer.
13:28
S0
Start to beat time.
13:34
S0
And if anything bad happens when your hand is away like you get caught, then you spend more time with your hand on it, don't you? But life doesn't take place while you're safe because you're never safe. So that really isn't when it takes place.
13:52
S0
But what about when you get a little braver? Don't you?
14:01
S0
In order to have relationship work, you have to have pawned your comfort zone.
14:10
S0
You have to be so far over there with no chance of getting back
14:19
S0
that a magical thing happens.
14:22
S0
They become
14:27
S0
the safe spot.
14:30
S0
By its consistency? No. By their variation. By their incredible variation, they become the safe spot.
14:44
S0
I can count on her to be however she is. If I have to count on her to be some particular way, I've now turned her into a thing and it doesn't work. But if I can count on her to be however she is, we've got some fun planned, don't we? And not only that, I need to keep monitoring her to find out how she is, what focuses my attention on another human being and then back to me and then out to her and then back to me and then out to her back to me and then out to her and pretty soon we're having fun. And then she goes, I'm going to keep it in here for a few. And I go, Or
15:31
S0
she, worse yet, she goes,
15:36
S0
I'm gonna put it over here for a little bit. And I go, I can't compete with another woman.
15:43
S0
Keep it over there. I go, we had a deal. What happened to our deal? At that point, if I can't make a sale, our relationship, the made up one, is over. The real one still exists. I have to go down to the real one,
16:05
S0
and then I have to come back out building differently than I ever did before. Because what I built before doesn't keep her attention anymore.
16:18
S0
And usually, she won't do that unless she gets too scared of going deep here because it's almost always an away from. It's not because she likes her. She turned away from me because she's had it with me. Now she likes her. Now her patterns, if they're fully running, are gonna dictate that she stays focused there for the length of time she stayed focused here and then changes to someone else. Okay. That's what patterns do.
16:50
S0
And they do it every time. And you end up with serial monogamy and no fun. And it goes like that. So one thing you have to share is the commitment to taking apart your patterns. And you also have to be able to make a sale reciprocity ratio when you least want to, when you don't dare. And when I hear somebody say, I really just want a relationship.
17:22
S0
Well, I look to see what they have. And if they don't have one, I happen to know that that's what they want.
17:33
S0
Do you know now we're back to something we talked about the other day.
17:38
S0
What does they don't want a relationship mean?
17:44
S0
It's a test question. What
17:49
S0
does they don't want a relationship mean? I'll give you a hint. This stuff is all connected together we've done all week. It looks like all different pieces, it looks like whatever, we did whatever, it's all connected. They don't want a relationship.
18:10
S0
Mark, what does that mean? Don't want. Yeah. You don't want something. What does that mean?
18:19
S1
You prove a negative.
18:21
S0
It means
18:25
S0
payoff cost. It means they're focusing on the cost more than the relationship, more than the payoff. I have to somehow interact with them so that their attention shifts over to payoff. And now they want it. How do you do this? You start playing a little game. I want her. I don't want her.
18:59
S0
I want her.
19:02
S0
I don't want her. Does it get how that influences you over here? Because it really is going on. What I'm doing is I'm walking stay there for a minute. I'm walking back and forth between these two, which means that I'm exploring the playing field. I don't want you.
19:22
S0
I want you.
19:26
S0
I really want you. I don't want any part of you no matter what.
19:35
S0
You've seen what happens over here when I do this? She has a preference for one over the other. By a preference for one over the other, she won't pay attention anytime it's where she doesn't want it. So then she shuts down and is gone during those times.
19:54
S0
So you start to lop out whole areas of your life that you can't attend to because they aren't the way that
20:01
S0
you have to think. You have to go back and forth between those two, and then you have to expand it so that you can go back and forth between I hate her and I love her, all the way from I hate her to I love her. But you don't do that. You say, I'm married to her. She's the mother of my children, so I must hate her. No. I mean, love her. So I must love her. So you only attend to those times that you love her, and all the rest of them disappear.
20:39
S0
But they don't disappear. They sit right in there unobserved, unnoticed, having their way with you. And meanwhile, they accumulate. These get experienced and they disappear. These group together, form wild bands, roaming groups of terrorists, physical terrorists, mental terrorists, all sorts of terrorism starts to show up in your relationship. And pretty soon she does something and it kicks off something over here and you go, oh, god. I love her. And then the only way I can love her is by saying, I love her because I must love her. I don't have any more data that I love her. All I have is this stuff left that I didn't want to experience out and that I'm stuck with. You have to play on the playing field and you have to move back and forth between these. And think of this as maybe the plus and this
21:43
S1
as the minus. Please refer to the want diagram in your booklet.
21:48
S0
As you play in these, the whole middle area starts to collapse and the minus comes closer to the plus. Because you've played in the playing field, you've explored this playing field, the minus and the plus come together and pretty soon, not dick.
22:07
S0
The triumph of the center of nowhere had finally gotten to the center of nowhere. Well, congratulations.
22:17
S0
Nobody cares. You have to get the plus and the minus so close together so that you can both love her and hate her at the same moment. And when you love her and hate her at the same moment, you escape this whole plane and go to the place that you're just connected.
22:43
S0
And there, there's a different kind of love, there's a love that has no opposite.
22:49
S0
On the one you live on, it has an opposite. You go to where it has no opposite. And then whoever you look at, you love. See, that's the bad news
23:02
S0
because then I love her and I love her and I love this and I love that and I do.
23:18
S0
It's your insecurities that keep you from loving everything, and then it's your insecurities that keep you from loving one person.
23:30
S0
To go from loving everything to loving one person would be too traumatic an event. Why would you do it?
23:42
S0
It would be obscene. It would be like a black hole. It would crush you.
23:50
S0
So your game is to love her and hate her both. You love Piggy and you hate Piggy, but currently, it's circumstantial, which brings it out to the very, very superficial thinnest layers. I need you to be able to sit across from him and love him and hate him and love him and hate him independent of all of your data, independent of your files, independent of what comes up, I need you to be able to create it as a declaration and, in fact, have it be the case in your body and fully in your mind. There you got a game. That one's worth playing. And the only thing in the way of you getting it fully in your body and your mind is your patterns.
24:39
S0
Oh, I can't do this. I can't I can't do this. I shouldn't do that. I can't I must. I do that.
24:45
S0
Nuts.
24:49
S0
Which parts of this question didn't I answer?
24:54
S0
Any questions?
24:56
S0
So
24:57
S2
would you say
25:00
S0
What, by the way, if everything
25:03
S0
was a safe place? What
25:08
S0
if everybody was a safe person and everything was a safe place? That's where I live.
25:15
S0
No, itis much deeper than nice. Nice is a pretense of something.
25:26
S0
As a matter of fact, if youire working on somebodyis cranium and you have a preference for them getting rid of something, your patterns are now in the way, as you probably fully know. You have to find whatever's going on with them as worthy of your attention and fascinating and interesting and be willing to have it last there forever
25:49
S0
before it can do anything. You have to. Otherwise, you aren't much of a worker at this sort of stuff. We have to do the same in relationship. I have to be willing to have her run out with 84 other people, turn her back on me, do show me no respect, do all of whatever is the worst for me because believe me, whoever you're with for more than fifteen minutes knows how to get you. And the longer they're with you, the better they are at getting you. And you need to make sure that you're around somebody who gets you.
26:26
S0
You need to get gotten over and over again. That's what gets you out to the edge. Not in the same way. Remember how you measure the quality of a relationship. It's broken hearts per minute. If you get your heart broken once and it stays broken over a long period of time, that's down the tubes quality. She has to break it anew every moment. Over and over again, we have people report that the most
26:56
S0
I don't remember exactly how we phrased it, but something like the most important moment in their life. You know what they report this as? Birth of a child.
27:08
S0
Being there and watching a child be born, that's what you have to do every moment. I hate to sound so Christian, but yeah.
27:20
S2
You say you should tell somebody that's bad for you? Somebody?
27:23
S0
No. I didn't say that.
27:25
S2
Oh, you didn't say that?
27:26
S0
No. My my definition of bad for you would be that your patterns stay in place.
27:32
S2
That's what I meant. That's what I was actually asking you to clarify. If if I'm not attracted at all.
27:39
S0
Then you should get pretty interested. Because chances are pretty good given how relationships have worked for you so far, given that they have been patterned so far, that you should probably find somebody like me.
28:00
S0
In other words, you can't trust your patterns are going to try and find someone with whom they get evidence for their existence.
28:11
S0
You you can't afford that because that will just reinforce your patterns again one more time.
28:22
S0
I'm not saying somebody who's bad for you. My definition of bad for you is that your patterns get reinforced one more time. Fred gets to try and help somebody once more who doesn't want help.
28:35
S0
If they want help, they've already got help.
28:39
S0
If they like the process of having somebody try and help them and fall on their nose, then they're looking for somebody. And she was and she found him. And all I have to do is I watch Fred's face when he sees the one that he thinks he can help.
29:01
S0
And when I see the one that doesn't need any help, that doesn't want any help, that he's not attracted to at all, and it's it's that different. If you just pay a little bit of attention, you'd see it. And there it is. But I see him the next day after the one that he's trying to help, and he's more automated, and he's more stuck, and he's more patterned. And I see him after he's been with the other one, and he's more insecure. They're right out front, and he's more open, and he's more curious, and he's got more attention to go around, and he's far less patterned.
29:41
S0
Now that could shift at any point because his patterns could find a place to lock into to hide. Your game is to have it not lock in. If it locks in, you're done. That's when we count and if we count to three and it's still locked in, then you're out. You've been pinned.
30:01
S0
You're going steady. Too steady.
30:05
S2
Well, now that I'm learning more about this,
30:11
S2
and Kathy and I are the only two here that are in relationship for all of you to observe,
30:17
S2
I'm curious of what people see.
30:20
S0
Well, come on down.
30:23
S0
Okay. What'd you say? Have it snow. What'd you snow? Forget your made up stuff. What did you just notice in their walks?
30:37
S2
Notice
30:40
S0
the difference in their walks because anything you attend to is going to show you everything you need to know. We don't have to have them talk. We don't have to look at them. We just had to watch their walks.
30:56
S0
How does she walk? Can you do her walk?
31:01
S0
So do her walk, somebody.
31:12
S0
Much more energy into it though. Yeah. Okay? So now do her walk.
31:21
S0
Nope, you got them backwards. Okay. This walk is like this.
31:30
S0
Where's her focus? The future. Ahead. Her focus is on the future and out ahead. What's her walk?
31:42
S0
So her walk is vertical, or at least it's this way. Her walk is horizontal, this way. So she's moving sideways, she's moving ahead.
31:57
S0
Well, that could make for some interesting stuff, couldn't it? We don't want them to be the same necessarily. We want to explore and watch how they fit. Now she's practicing something but it's not quite working. Which way is the energy flowing between these two?
32:17
S2
Up and down.
32:18
S0
Who's in charge of how it flows?
32:23
S0
Joan. Her philosophical statement is, I don't exist. Do something for me so I exist. Her philosophical statement is, I'm putting it all over the place.
32:39
S0
All over the place and I'm glad that some got on you because I really like you.
32:46
S0
So what we've got there, if you want to do it graphically or not because I'm going to anyway,
32:55
S0
is we've got this one who says, give it to me.
33:01
S0
And then we've got this other one who says, I'm putting it out all over the place. If some gets on you, I'm really delighted.'
33:12
S0
So about as different as can be. Look at the two of them together. Which one do you look at?
33:20
S0
This tells you about your patterns. This
33:24
S0
instantaneously tells you about your patterns. Everywhere in the universe is a place to attend to your patterns.
33:35
S0
Raise your hand if you look at this one. Okay? Raise your hand if you look at this one. I think it's really a funny mix. Okay. The ones who look at this one, gather over on this side of the room.
33:52
S0
And the other ones gather on that side of the room, please.
33:57
S0
Okay. Which group do you wanna get to work together?
34:03
S0
Which group you're gonna hire to do the job? Pretend they're equal numbers. This group. Wouldn't you? You got any question about it? It'd be this group, for sure. This is the misfits over here. Look at them. Look. No. Check it out though. Here you have a group and you perceive them as a group. Watch how you focus on them. It's a group and you it uses one bit of data. One bit of your seven plus or minus two, it's a group. There they are. It takes effort to look from person to person in the group because it's already a group. Now look over here. How many individuals we have? Seven. They're all individuals.
34:54
S2
Yeah.
34:54
S0
So they demand each demand their own set of attention. Does that tell you anything about this one and this one? Doesn't it? It tells you a lot about this one and this one. She'd be in this group. She'd be in this group.
35:15
S0
Yay whoever you are, who cares?
35:24
S0
So we got cooperation over here and we got competition over here strangely. I know that doesn't fit because you're just a nice girl. No, it fits.
35:35
S0
You see it? What else can you look for as far as
35:43
S0
there's so many parameters and the the worst part of this is you guys know all this already and you have gotten to exactly where you are by ignoring as much of it as you possibly could.
35:58
S0
Look at them.
36:01
S0
How many raise your hand if you're really happy in the group you're in.
36:06
S0
Baloney.
36:09
S0
So these guys are one of their fundamental things is discontent. Look at them. Do you think I'm saying there's something wrong? I'm not saying there's anything wrong. I can't say that. I don't live in that world. You live in that world. I don't I can't get near that world. I can't get any closer than I get to you.
36:31
S0
I don't live in that world. I'm looking at isn't this interesting? Isn't and you see the difference. Can you see the difference? This requires a lot of shifts of attention. I'm not saying it's wrong. And this just requires one. There you go and this is patterns. So these two got together.
36:56
S0
So now she's got to learn to do her. They're far enough apart to be interesting, aren't they? Because they're pretty darn far apart here. They're far enough apart to be interesting. Now she has to figure out how to do her and she has to figure out how to do her.
37:14
S0
That'll be really fascinating because then they're going have points that they cross as they go back and forth that are more intimate than any point they've ever had in their life.
37:26
S0
And as they start to cross more often, they'll have more points that cross and they'll have the connections start to reveal themselves between the two of them. They're different enough to have it work, Now we get to find out how rutted they are and what theyire in.
37:45
S0
She thinks sheis more rutted than she thinks she is. You watch that? When I talk about that, you see how different their reactions are. Totally different. You get how we could do this with anybody. And you could pay attention to these parameters all the time. Now here, you be her and you be her.
38:15
S0
Nice.
38:18
S0
That's great. Congratulations.
38:23
S0
On that note, pair up please.
38:28
S0
Pair up please. What you lack in your life is you lack an observer who can watch this and tell you what's there.
38:37
S0
You show up at our house with somebody and I'll tell you exactly what's gonna happen for at least the next year or two unless you alter your patterns. And if you alter your patterns, I got no clue what's going to happen. And that's the only relationship you want to be in if you're going to grow
39:02
S0
is have no clue what's going to happen. That's the only time you'd want to be there is if you have no clue what's going to happen. Okay, so here's the game. Pick an A and a B.
39:15
S1
Please refer to the perfect lunch exercise in your booklet.
39:21
S0
Okay. Have no reason to have you in As and Bs.
39:27
S0
I want you to go to the grocery store and without conversing with the person about food, I want you to purchase in the grocery store the perfect lunch for her, and I want you to purchase the perfect lunch for her, and then I want you to come back here and eat it.
39:47
S0
Got it?
39:50
S0
And you make it the perfect lunch and you make it the perfect lunch for halfway through lunch.
39:57
S2
We think is the perfect lunch that they my question is would
40:00
S0
Do the best to get the perfect lunch for him.
40:02
S2
Okay. What I think would be the perfect lunch for Paul.
40:05
S0
No. The perfect lunch for him.
40:08
S2
That I think Paul would like or what Linda would like The for
40:11
S0
perfect lunch for Paul. Okay. Sit down for a minute. This
40:17
S0
is what we're talking about. We're talking about and this is the point that she just brought up. We're talking about, is it what I think Paul should have or is it what Paul thinks he should have, or is it what Paul really should have? How are you gonna are you gonna figure this one out? This is the kind of thing that feeds your thinking.
40:52
S0
Do you understand how that could feed your thinking? Because you've got to think to somehow bridge the gaps between these two, But how much time do you spend looking at the gaps between them rather than looking at them?